I hadn't intended to write blogs weekly, but it seems like every week there is something new on my mind.
This week, it's the thought of Christmas, still many weeks away.
I thought it would be a good idea to sort through the boxes and bins of Christmas decorations tonight. Since my former spouse and I had already planned to separate by last December, I had rather hastily packed up all of the ornaments etc., shortly after that last Christmas. They sat in our shed until the day I moved last February, when they were again rather hastily stored away in my new home. Therefore, I really had no idea of what I had thrown away last year, what I had possibly left behind and what I had brought with me. Being one of those annoying type A personalities, I really felt I needed to get at those boxes now so that I would know what was missing before it was time to decorate for Christmas.
I didn't foresee this task to be as difficult as it turned out to be. Apparently, I brought everything with me that was in any way related to the holidays. Everything except the tree and lights. I thought I had brought a few boxes to my new home, I certainly didn't remember bringing more than a dozen large plastic tote bins. But then again, I don't really remember much about the packing I did last winter, there was far too much else to deal with.
As soon as I opened the first box, I knew this wasn't going to be an easy job to get through. The first thing I picked up was a tree ornament that said "Our First Christmas 1987". I sat there holding this ornament that at one time meant so much, but now I didn't know what I was supposed to do with it. I certainly don't want it on my Christmas tree anymore, but it felt wrong somehow to just throw it away. I really didn't think my ex-husband would want it either. After a few moments, I put it aside and continued sifting through the rest of the box. There was the "#1 Wife" ornament; one that said "World's Best Husband"; an ornament that commemorated our first home, and some from different places we had visited together many years ago when we were both very different people. In the end, I re-packed all of these things into a box marked "Christmas Memories", and put it back in the storage room. Way in the back.
The next challenge was the small box that held nothing but Eeyore tree ornaments. Twenty of them. Eeyore has always been my very favorite Disney character, and every Christmas for twenty years, without fail, my husband would get me a new ornament add to my collection. Since I have bought my own Christmas gifts for years, this was usually the only thing he got me on his own. There would have been twenty-five of them, had he bought one every year that we were married, but the last one he gave me was five years ago. I guess the writing was on the wall. Holding this little box of glass Eeyore's was like reading a fairy tale that didn't have the "happily ever after" ending.
Digging deeper, I found more of these Disney holiday-themed ornaments that my father had also given me over the years. At first, I wanted to sort through and divide the pile into the ones my father gave me and the ones my husband gave to me, so that I'd know which ones to place on my tree this year. Then, upon a few more moments of thought, I came to the realization that those twenty ornaments had been given to me during more peaceful times and do not hold bitter memories, but memories that I should honor.
That small realization made sorting and sifting through the rest of the boxes much easier. I was then able to look at other decorations and remember the many good Christmases that our family had over the years. I was no longer melancholy about the fact that my days of hosting Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner for a houseful of my family have come to an end. I'm no longer upset about the fact that I don't have a large home to deck out, or that there will be no longer be visitors to entertain over the Christmas holidays. I'm not dreading spending Christmas Eve alone this year, but I am definitely thinking that having my ex-spouse at my home Christmas morning to open gifts with our daughter will be the most awkward experience ever thrust upon me. There will be booze in the coffee that morning.
By the time the last box was sorted, I was emotionally exhausted but at the same time looking forward to starting new Christmas traditions with my daughter. I am proud of my ex-husband and I for getting to the point where we can plan to spend Christmas morning together so that our daughter can at least have that tradition remain unchanged. I am excited about putting up my own tree and using my creativity to transform this pitifully small little house into something beautiful and comforting during what used to be, and will be again, my favorite holiday.
I guess it wasn't only the boxes that got sifted through and sorted out tonight.
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