Tonight I had a phone call from a very old friend whom I haven't spoken with in a few years. Needless to say, there was a lot of catching up to do. When she asked me if I was happy, I didn't have to stop and think about my answer. The word "yes" came naturally to me. It's been a very long time since I could answer that question with a resounding "yes". Longer than I can remember, actually.
It's been a challenging year to say the least, and there were a lot of times when I couldn't have answered that question in the affirmative. However, I've finally come to the point where I've realized that I have an abundance of good things in my life. That realization didn't come quickly or easily, but it did make it's way into my head finally, and I'm better for it.
The past year, if nothing else, has shown me what I am capable of. There were so many things that I'd never done in my life, mainly because I never had to. Buying a home on my own; leaving someone that I spent 26 years with; learning how to maintain a house by myself; learning to be physically alone for days on end. None of these are insurmountable things, but they were all things I never thought I would have to do. When push came to shove, I suddenly had no choice but to begin a new life for myself. I have always had a very determined nature, and I believe that's the one trait that allowed me to forge ahead, consequences be damned. Sometimes it's best to just start the ball rolling without thinking too much about what could go wrong. Makes it easier to get to the goal that way.
When I look back now at the chaos of the past year, I still don't know how I'm still in one piece. I did reach the goal, but not without some serious consequences that I hadn't expected. I should have had a sherpa to help carry the amount of stress that I dragged around with me. I have no idea how I stumbled through my days, having suffered with insomnia for almost eleven straight months. There are whole chunks of last year that I really don't even remember due to the stress and sleep deprivation. There are 35 pounds missing from my body now (although I must confess that shopping for new clothes isn't something that I consider a hardship). Inevitably, my fighting spirit finally broke at the end of it all, and it broke in a huge way, but it also helped to repair a lot of the damage that was done beforehand.
When I finally made peace with the fact that I didn't do this "to" my life and family, but rather "for" my life and family , the happiness started to slowly make it's way back to me. Not all at once, not by a long shot, but slowly and steadily. I had to learn not only what I am capable of, but also what my limits are and what I truly want from this life. I had to remember that it's better to be alone than to feel lonely when with someone. I had to lose the person I'd become over the years and get back to being the person I truly am. And I had to learn to be content with my own company - very important when you live alone. Only then was there finally enough room in my life to allow the happiness to reappear.
There are still challenges, and there always will be. Being alone after so many years isn't really what I expected it to be, but I'm all right with it for the most part. Sometimes I have to stop and adjust my expectations a little and just let things happen as they should. I have wide circle of very good friends now who help keep the boredom at bay, and they each bring something positive to my life on a daily basis. I have a daughter who loves me unconditionally, yet doesn't hesitate to give me a reality check when needed. I have a home that, although small, belongs solely to me and has become my haven, and I have my family who remind me of who I am and where I come from.
So yes, I can now say that I'm happy when asked. Honestly.
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