The Semicolon

Up until two years ago, I'd made it through adulthood without feeling the need to adorn myself with tattoos or piercings anywhere other than my earlobes.  Not that I hadn't toyed with the idea of a tattoo, but "someone" would have nattered on about it far too much and listening to the snide comments would have dulled any of the fun of getting one.  About six months after I was on my own, I decided that I would take the plunge (and a few Tylenol for the pain) and go get some ink done.  Little did I realize how addictive this whole tattoo thing would become.  I now have four tattoos, each with their own special meaning.  The first one is "Breathe, Believe, Begin" to remind me that nothing is insurmountable if I take the time to take a deep breath, believe in myself and get started.  The second is an infinity heart to remember my father who passed away.  The third is my daughter's name surrounded by delicate flowers, so like her.  The newest is a forget-me-not flower, the symbol for Alzheimer's.  This one honors my mother.  There will soon be a fifth.

The next one will be the semicolon symbol, a very small and discreet little marking that will be placed on my inner wrist.  A great many people are sporting this tattoo, but I wonder how much of the general population know what the meaning of it is.  I'm sure that those who know me will likely think that it's my way of flaunting the fact that I'm a bit of a grammar nerd, but they would be very far off the mark in this thinking.  I expect to have to explain to quite a few why I have a semicolon tattoo, and I fully expect to find that a difficult thing to do.  However, as difficult and awkward as it will be, I'll explain it as many times as needed.

This symbol represents mental health struggles and suicide prevention.  In 2013 there was a vast social media campaign called "Project Semicolon", described as a "movement dedicated to presenting hope and love to those struggling with depression, suicide and self-injury".  The aim of the project was to create encouragement, love and inspiration.  This project resonates with me for several reasons.

As the parent of a teenager who has struggled for far too many of her young years with severe anxiety, depression and borderline personality disorder, any project or cause that will increase the awareness of these mental health issues has my full support.  For too long I have watched my daughter gather up the courage to face each day, never knowing if she will get through the entire day without something triggering a panic attack, setting off an uncontrollable rage episode, another round of depression or the need to cut herself in order to numb the emotional pain.  To say that being on the outside of it looking in is heart-wrenching is a definite understatement. 

I often feel there is nothing I can do to help this beautiful, intelligent and gifted young woman.  It's  emotionally, mentally and physically draining on levels that I can't even describe.  As a parent, giving her all of my support should be something that comes easily, but it doesn't.  We often end up tangled in a web of arguments, mistrust and hurt feelings because I can't always be the "rock" that I should be to her and I've not yet figured out how to not take things personally in the heat of the moment.  The personality disorder episodes are unchartered waters, and each time it happens it's hard to know what course to take, and I somehow usually get it wrong and make things worse.  Fortunately, she always finds her way back with some kind of inner determination that I only wish I had myself.

My hope with getting this little tattoo is that when I lose my patience and my own emotional strength in the midst of this journey with her struggle, I can look at it and remember what it's there for.  I hope that it reminds me of the parallel to a writer who chose to use a semicolon instead of an ending, and that she has chosen to fight this battle instead of giving up.  I hope that when she catches a glimpse of it every now and then, she realizes that it's there because I love her.  It's there because I want to encourage her and support her, even if she often doesn't think so.

I also hope she realizes it's there because I've had my own struggles and understand far more than I have ever told her, or ever will. I understand the fear, and I've had the chest crushing pain of anxiety attacks.  I am familiar with the sudden feeling of hopelessness and sadness that sneaks up and envelopes your entire being.  I get that sometimes these things prevent a person from getting out of bed because sleeping is easier.  I also can relate to the struggle to make a choice between a semicolon and a period.  The difficult thing is trying to convey that to her without it seenimg like I'm making it my story instead of hers.  Unchartered waters, indeed.

So with this next tattoo, I won't be taking the pain-killing Tylenol.  It just seems fitting that I feel the pain with this one.

;