My thoughts on Let's Talk

It's Bell Media's Let's Talk Day, but this blog won't be trying to spread it's message. It won't be sent individually to every friend, acquaintance, co worker, neighbor or near stranger in my contact list.  It won't be texted, messaged, snapped, or tweeted. No tagging, hashtagging or neon colored post background.  It will be quietly placed on my social media accounts, where very few contacts will even open the link.  That's ok though, this is my own form of therapy right now so it's more for me than anyone else.

I'm not a huge supporter of the Let's Talk Day, but I'm also not a hater.  As someone who has experienced mental health issues first and second hand for a good number of years, I'm somewhere in the middle on this initiative.  On one hand, I applaud the fact that a well known organization has tried to reduce the stigma of mental health problems.  On the other, I'm afraid it sends a false message that talking and asking for help will result in actually getting the help that you need.

I won't recount all of the failures and abysmal treatment processes that I've been exposed to because this is a blog, not a novel.  I will however, describe what I experienced today as I think that should sum up my thoughts on the topic.

Like so many others, I have suffered occasionally with mild depression and anxiety.  I am currently battling another round, and have been since November.  After Christmas,  I realized I could use a bit of counseling so that I could get back on track before it got worse.  Four weeks ago, I called my Employee Assistance Program to arrange an 8 week counseling plan.  The counselor they matched me with dutifully called me within 48 hours to schedule an appointment.  Not a bad start.

Two weeks ago he called to change my Monday appointment to  3 PM Tuesday.  I haven't seen him since.  Tuesday came and along with it messy weather and a migraine.  I called early that morning to reschedule, and left a voicemail asking him to call me back.  By Thursday, with no call from him, I left another voicemail.  Then another. On Friday I finally reached him.  By that point, he had no availability for a week and a half.  Today was my rescheduled appointment.

Now, part of my current issue is that I have suddenly become terrified of driving in any kind of  messy weather.  It's a long held anxiety, but one that I had overcome in recent years.  For some reason, it's back.  Today we had messy weather.  Today was my appointment.

Not wanting to go another two weeks with no support, as I will be in BC next week, I spent most of the morning worrying about how to get there without driving in the snow/ice pellet mix that had started after I drove to work.  Thankfully I have amazing coworkers.  I left my car at work and one work buddy dropped me at my therapists office, with arrangements made for my daughter to pick me up afterward and another coworker to drive me to work tomorrow.  Problem solved.

My therapist works out of his home with a separate office entrance.   The door was locked.  I rang the bell, no answer.  I called his number, no answer.  His car was there,  there were lights on in the house.  I rang the house doorbell, no answer.

So, I'm stranded in his driveway with no car to sit in or leave in.  It's now pouring and getting colder.  My daughter isn't scheduled to pick me up for another hour.  My sister doesn't drive much any more so I didn't want her venturing out in bad conditions to come get me.  My data plan is low, so I can't Google cab numbers.

I ended up walking a good 15 minute trek to the nearest grocery store and payphone.  I'm not dressed for this.  The sidewalks and roads are a messy, slippery mush of ankle deep snow and water.  I got about 10 feet before my trendy yet impractical boots were filled with water.  I think I cried for 3 blocks out of frustration, despair and self pity.

After exhausting every cab number to no avail (apparently they also don't answer phones), I finally called my sister to come get me.  By this point, I was unravelling and quickly.  Thankfully my daughter called and it helped bring me back down to a reasonable level of human. Enough that the grocery store security guard stopped eyeballing me.


During most of this ordeal I kept thinking to myself "it's Let's Talk Day.  But I can bet my ass that no one is talking about this kind of farce".  This kind of thing, my dear readers, is unfortunately more the norm than the exception when it comes to getting help when you need it.  It's sad, it's unacceptable and it's dangerous.  But that's what it is.


So, you can likely now imagine my thoughts on Let's Talk, at the moment.  While quite a few colleagues were sitting in Let's Talk presentations, I was navigating my cold, wet, tear streaked self to a phone booth to try to get home when I should have been spending that time getting the help I need. I certainly can't say it wasn't for a lack of trying (on my part).

Ironically,  the only part of me that stayed dry was my head.  Likely due to the Bell Let's Talk toque that I got at work and had shoved in my pocket for "just in case". If nothing else, their toque worked for me.