It's 26 hours till surgery time, and I still don't feel ready. I'm prepared in the sense of button-up clothing, pain med stockpiles and chore schedules for "the others", but I'm not ready for the rest of it.
My boobs never meant much to me before, especially since I'm not particularly well endowed in that area. Now, however, they mean much more to me than they ever did. I'm not sure how to navigate only having one. I never really had a ton of cleavage, but now I won't have any at all. What's going to catch the crumbs? Where is the boob sweat gonna go when I have a hot flash?? How uncomfortable is that damn prothesis going to be? How will I wear strapless anything when they don't make strapless bras for prothesis boobs? All things I took for granted, and seemingly superficial, but all valid questions for any woman.
I'm at the mercy of the unknown right now. I have a fear of something happening during surgery. I am worried that the surgeon will find more than he planned on finding once he starts. Scared that there may be cancer in my lymph nodes. Terrified that this may be bigger than expected. Holding my breath that the new pain in the other breast isn't also cancer.
Fear is new to me, and I don't like it.
I'm not someone who is accustomed to feeling fear. I've been through many curveballs in life that brought worry, sorrow, challenges and heartache. Nothing really brought fear, though. Until now. I don't know how to navigate it and calm myself and it sucks
In hindsight, I probably should have made some time for counseling, but I didn't. With all of the preparation, appointments, paperwork and Christmas, there just wasn't a lot of free time for that. So, now I have 26 hours to counsel myself for this new reality. Too bad I can't bill for that, those people make a good penny.
Once again, today I will be leaning on friends and family to keep me away from the ledge. It's a long drop down, thankfully they all carry a lifeline rope.
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