The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

My post surgery appointment went amazingly well.  The tumor ended up being half the size of what appeared on the mammography images, and was only 2 centimeters.  No lymph nodes were invaded and no other surprises were found during surgery.  Radiation is not necessary and I appear to be a good candidate for hormone immunotherapy rather than chemo.  My oncologist will make the final decision on that later this week. She has opted to send a pathology sample to California for further testing to ensure that immunotherapy will be enough. Better safe than sorry, so my fingers are crossed again.  That's the "good" part (except for the agonizing waiting).

The "bad" part is a little more complex.  I ended up with neuropathic pain from some nerve damage under my arm, but that is not uncommon with lymph node removal.  The meds they gave me for that ended up causing fluid buildup under my arm, and I'm now on medications to combat this new wrinkle in recovery.  My nightstand is covered in prescription bottles and it's messing with my feng shui.

There is no way to accurately describe the pain from fluid buildup, but it's almost like the skin in that area has third degree burns.  Add in the 24/7 nausea from the nerve pain medication, and the stabbing pain in my armpit from the nerve damage and you may get the picture. 

Honestly, I'm already tired of all of this post surgery nonsense and pain.  I really can't envision having to also endure chemo.  I've had seven weeks of nonstop pain, and I'm ready to admit defeat.   I just can't see myself being strong enough to go through the effects of chemo.  I'm already wanting to just say "to hell with it" and take my chances.  I won't, but it's tempting. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm truly grateful for the good results, but my "Eeyore" tendencies have pushed my mood as far down as it can go. 

The ugly part is that I'm still struggling with the new normal that my life has become.  I know that adjusting will take some time, but I'm impatient to just feel like "me" again (and a little uncertain as to what "me" actually will be, because it sure won't be the same).  

I'm also struggling  with what I want to do when this is all over. I enjoy my job and I miss it, but I really think I'd like to do something where I can help people and make a positive difference to their day.  I no longer seem to have the wherewithal to spend my days doing the same things over and over, and feeling no sense of accomplishment.  This has been weighing heavily on me, and it's difficult to make a decision between financial security or personal happiness.  

Between the ongoing physical pain, the emotional back and forth and the mental worries about my future, I feel like I'm in the middle of a gunfight armed with a dull butterknife.

I envision this good, bad and ugly as a showdown between mind, body and spirit.  It wasn't one of the things I'd expected to battle, but that's where things are these days . I arrived at this showdown highly unprepared and woefully unarmed.  Hopefully I can dodge the bullets until I can at least find a better butterknife. Or water pistol.