It's been an unprecedented, cruel and surreal twelve months for many people. For myself, it was definitely a long year that was often filled with grief, fear and uncertainty.
I spent last New Year's Eve alone, worrying about my upcoming mastectomy, worrying about the prognosis, worrying about my ability to keep a roof over our heads, and worrying that maybe I was forgetting to worry about something else. I spent this New Year's Eve alone as well, as most of us did. The difference was that I didn't have a thing to worry about. Best New Year's Eve ever!
This past year brought a lot of tragedy, but it brought some good as well. I realized just how much my friends truly cared about me, and they overwhelmed me with their love. I had constant visits, calls, texts and deliveries last January and I truly believe the love helped me in my healing. My mental health also got a boost from all of the good energy I was surrounded with.
I lucked out in the cancer department as well, and the sense of relief overshadowed all of the other 2020 bullshit. I may be missing a breast now, but that's a small price to pay in my opinion. I belong to a few online mastectomy groups and reading the stories of other has given me huge appreciation and respect for what some of these women have gone through. My own battle was no walk in the park, but compared to many other breast cancer battles, I really did have luck on my side.
This week will mark my first year since surgery. Four more years to go to be considered cancer free; one more to go before I'm allowed to get my tattoo, and 9 more years of medication. Not that I'm keeping track.
My family is keen to celebrate this milestone and have already stocked champagne in the fridge. I'm not quite as keen as they are to have a celebration of any kind. I'm terrified that being overly optimistic or celebratory may jinx things. I realize that may sound crazy, but it's one of my lower levels of crazy and therefore, perfectly justified.
From the moment I heard the word "cancer" in my diagnosis, I've been purposely not getting too excited about anything. I'm content and I'm happy, but never excited. I'm far too aware that at any time the rug could get pulled out from under me, so it feels wrong to be too optimistic or celebratory just yet. If I make it to the 5 year mark, that's when you'll see me excited. If I get to 10 years and no longer have to take medications that kick my ass on a daily basis, you'll see me ecstatic.
Until then, I'll continue to go with the flow. Very cautiously optimistic, yet still scared enough to do anything to mess things up. I'll put up with the side effects the best that I can, but I'll apologize in advance to those who need to be around me. That stuff really does kick my ass.
Welcome 2021 ! Please come in, sit down quietly and don't touch anything.
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